Why Men Are ... the Early Years Part 1

Love makes the world go round.

Sex, on the other hand, grabs the world by its tits, turns it on all fours and proceeds to shag the brains out of it.

That, in a nutshell, sums up the understanding of most men about the relationship between the sexes.

You can't buy love but you can certainly sell sex.

It explains why most men, after a youthful period of "shag-as-many-as-you-can-even- the-slags", settle down to marry "innocent" girls.

It explains why a lot of them break down in a mid-life crisis and proceed to the terminal phase of "shag-as-many-as-you-can-before-you-kick-the-bucket".

Men simply don't understand sex (except that it feels good), much less understand love (except that women tend to get upset over it).

Hey, don't beat us over the head with it. It's all some woman's fault.

It all started when we were kids. Don't believe me? Look ...



If you can't see it, well, that kid is most certainly not looking at the camera.

Some of us start even younger ...

We know we are fascinated by certain objects but we certainly didn't know why.

Inevitably, we discover heaven dangling between our legs. Such a momentous discovery had us rushing to Mama to share with her this wondrous knowledge.

We thought that, for some obscure reason, this "thing" had somehow escaped the notice of the whole world - after all who had ever heard anyone talk about it? And somehow, our instinct tells us that it was something very important to everyone.

Poor us ...

For our efforts, some of us got tight slaps.

Some of us got a mother shrieking almost hysterically in laughter in the kitchen who would then proceed to call down all our aunts to laugh at our dingalings.

Only a few of us got a proper explanation of the whole thing.

Thank God for the few. Happy to be the fount of knowledge among their peers, these blessed few shared with other dingaling discoverers what their MOM had said.

1. It feels good

2. You don't talk about it.

3. You don't touch or show it in public.

4. You will find out more about it when you grow up.

So okay, we know we are just kids and that we would grow up and up.

In the meantime some of us try out some things on their own ...



And one day, all those tedious balik kampung trips finally reveal even more extreme things.

Now you know what you're supposed to do with it!

It's a huge revelation to you. And it takes your explorations to a whole new level.

And all the time, you feel these urges inside you that make you feel funny at certain times.

Some of those times were when the girl you think is the prettiest in school walks by and gives you a smile;

or when your grown-up sister has a wardrobe failure and her kain kemban falls beyond the maximum safe distance;

or when a sexy aunt (every family has at least one of these - they seem to be standard issue) sashays into your home and who, despite your fairly advanced age, gives you a furious hug which has your face firmly plonked between two cushiony breasts.

The worst of those times is usually when that prettiest girl seats herself directly in your line of sight , gives you a quick smile and then looks away as she proceeds to cross her legs in a somewhat sophisticated manner - just so you could take a peek under her skirt and she could pretend to not having a clue about it.

All these inevitably drives you to somehow, well, take things in hand - so to speak. That is, until someone tells you that you'll grow hair on your palms and will go blind if you continue to do that.

So you keep your hands where they can be seen at all times and try to find out what is it about GIRLS that make you feel funny inside. Where else to go exploring but among the girls in your school.

After some time though, all that you can discover is the following.

a. Girls shriek and call you a dirty bugger when you try to talk about it.

b. Girls only want to kiss and talk about 'love', which was about as far as they would go.

c. You can't touch them. Anywhere. Ever.

Until one fateful time, when the Big Kahuna takes pity on you and then, bam! someone appears to lead you into the light ... (to be continued in Part 2)