An Update

*Y-A-A-A-A-W-N ...*



Uh ... hullo, peeps.


Nice to be alive again.



Sorry to be away for so long but then it's been a very intense month for me. Right up to the elections.

Then it was catching up with everything that was KIV-ed because of the elections; that took another ten days to clear.

It was so bad that the kids were temporarily adopted by Lady C's sister over the school holidays.

And it was so tiring that the first 48 hours of the four-day weekend I wangled at the end of it was pure flake-out.

But now I'm back and hope to have something wonderfully indecent posted up here soon. :D

In the meantime, here's something I found recently.






An anti-kepam kit ... lol.

3,064 votes nothing to sneeze at

From the TIMEly correspondent

Kapar : It is not the PWTC, the plush venue where members of the ruling party loll in comfort while viewing election results, but it was no less, er, plush at the HAWT-ktv in the depths of Kapar, Kelang.

This "entertainment" centre, little-known outside a discreet circle of regulars, had for the past fortnight been converted into an elections operations centre - to the immense glee of its employees.

Ms Puta Madre, the expatriate South American manager said, "I've never seen the girls so excited about work before. The Pundak people are pretty much a vibrant bunch."

Asked to elaborate, she coyly replied, "Well, faced with mounting challenges, they never seem to deflate." Obviously meaning every innuendo.

On Saturday night, while the whole nation rocked to the sweeping tide that knocked off stalwarts like Toll-booth Samy, HAWT-ktv partied all night long as local hero YB Wak Cipan racked up the highest number of votes ever in the (short) history of the party.

TIMEly has an exclusive interview:

TIMEly: To what do you attribute this success?

"Oh of course everyone worked hard and I had solid support from my family including my relatives - all 3,063 of them."

TIMEly: That was all family?

"Hey, it's not easy to control your family, innit? Look at the Big Fella - he can control or not his family? I had to use all the perayus at hand.

You know we had to order extra lube - er, I mean lotion! Yes, lotion. And also extra protection."

TIMEly: From the sun?

"Yes, yes - and also the daughters and mothers and aunties, of course. Protection for everyone. Play safe, we always say ... YB Tigershow was very efficient in this aspect (referrring to the Pundak candidate in Bukit Bintang)."

TIMEly: Oh, uh, never mind. What about these rumours about you replacing Pundak president YB Pazuzu?

"No, no, no such thing lah. Why should I? My father, God bless his soul, always told me that the highest position in any structure is the lightning-rod. I don't like kena lightning woh."

TIMEly: Fair enough - we're very much impressed with your performance, elections-wise, how do you do it?

"Oh well, that ah ...? I had this friend who introduced this special coffee, you see ... it's called Kopi Kucing Galak (trans. "Frisky Cat Coffee") ... yeah, all the way from Terengganu - works just like that - oh, you mean the elections ... well, I think the campaign song had a positive impact ..."

TIMEly: Campaign song?

"Yeah ... it's pretty catchy ... Undi Lah Cipan, Undi Lah Cipan ..."

TIMEly: Oh, Bob Marley?

"Yeah, yeah ... Bob Marley is always popular here. In fact I think we'd done better if we had a different campaign song for the whole party - that Kathrika anthem was pretty good but I personally think we would have done better if we had adopted the Menuju Pundak song."

TIMEly: Oh ... how does that go?

"Menuju PUNDAK, Gemilang cahaya
Mengukir cita seindah rasa
Menuju PUNDAK, impian di hati
Bersama janji kawan sejati
Pasti berjaya di Malaysia Fantastik ...o ...yeaaah ...

Thank you, thank you ..."

TIMEly: Oh, that's the AF song ...

"See? Even you would have loved it. But our local anthem did the job for us here - some guys were saying that we would have done better if it wasn't for some dirty tricks from our rivals but I don't -."

TIMEly: Dirty tricks?

"Well, ya lor - nearly at the last minute there was this whispering campaign designed to woo the women voters to the ruling party."

TIMEly: How did that go?

"Barang Naik, Isteri Sayang ... but I'm happy to say it didn't really take off here in Kapar"

TIMEly: How come?

"It just doesn't have the same effect when an elderly woman candidate whispers that in your ear, innit? Even the men will probably pucat (trans. - "blanch") "

TIMEly: What about from the opposition parties?

"Same also, dirty b*ggers. There's the gaji cukup bulan, raya tengok bulan, undi pangkah bulan campaign, that was tougher to counter."

TIMEly: So what did you do?

"We came up with Datang Bulan, Mana Boleh Pangkah - it wasn't the best but it did work."

TIMEly: Thank you, YB for such insights.

"No problem - you want short-time, ah? Mummy Puta ... tiga-minit satu!!!"

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Creamed Spuds and Teh Tarik

English Premier League

Trotters & Spuds ... 1
(Bale 15th)


Sekolah Henry G00nery, London ... 3
(Ade 65th, Cesc 80th, Ade 94th)

--------------------------------------------
Actually I missed this game because I thought it starts at 11pm.

Therefore I happily went gallivanting to the neighbourhood surau for, *cough, terawih prayers and to catch up with the gang.

We're not particularly pious - I think we do just enough to be a good example to our kids and also to their friends.

And of course our tai-tais are never fooled ... *cough

But we, the local Male Society that is, do enjoy each other's company and it has become an annual tradition to meet up and lepak at the surau in the fasting month.

There's usually meehoon goreng (fried vermicelli) or maybe roti canai (flat dough pancakes) plus some kuih served for the after-prayer moreh (snack).



And, more importantly, teh tarik on tap.


So it makes more sense for us to hang out at the surau rather than the nearest mamak outlet. Especially when it enhances our domestic image somewhat.

I suspect that our forefathers were more or less the same.

So by the time I got home it was only to catch the last bit of the second half.

Thankfully there was still enough in the game to enjoy as the Absolutely Fab Cesc drilled a 35-yarder past Mrs Robinson the England keeper in the 80th and when Ade spun and buried the third in the 94th.

There wasn't much piety around the telly that night but I'm chuffed to report that no French was spoken at all.

I've noticed that this year we're less flashy in our passes but there was a more gritty approach from everyone. One can almost smell the industrial reek in our tackles and running.

It was great - the last time we beat Spurs at White Hart Lane was Nov 13, 2004. And it was by the unbelievable score of 5-4.

After that it was all draws and we've only beaten them in our home games.

Scene to remember - the Godfather and der Pussie grinning crazily at each other as they high-fived after the final goal.

Such a touching Family scene.

So that's how Sekolah Henry Goonery topped the English Premier League this week.

--------------------------------------------
European Champions League

Sevilla ... 0


Sekolah Henry Goonery ... 3
(Cesc 27th, Pussie 59th, Dudu 92nd)

--------------------------------------------------------------
I first planned to watch this game at a mamak early this morning - there's one outlet just a minute away from my house and two other outlets just a 3-minute drive away.

Somehow the idea of scarfing down some sahur nosh outdoors with CL action on a giant screen at 3am seemed very attractive.

Perhaps it's the casual outdoor dining ensemble of faded sarong and ratty Pagoda-T that appeals to my inner slob. Not to mention visions of zesty early morning breeze wafting up the sarong for that cold-cockle effect.

Then I found out that it would be a delayed telecast instead.

Duhhhh - bodoh cam nak mampuh ESPNstar - picking a dull ManUre-Lisbon fixture instead. Real farmers' fare.

Okies - so it was sahur at 5am with the (delayed!) match on the telly and of course my eldest just had to tell me we already won.

Being a model father meant biting my tongue and shoving food down my throat instead.


Incidentally, sahur was instant roti paratha with beef curry plus some sambal sotong ...


... and dhal stew for gravy.

The maid also fried some chicken in a cornflour-and
-chilli-paste batter mix.


Which were all good - as was the fare on the Emirates' immaculate pitch.

Sevilla was stonking hot the first 15 mins or so - Diego Capel bothering Sagna on the right and Daniel Alves taking on Clichy on our left.

Surprised by their pace, both Clichy and Sagna took the first few minutes to get to grips with both the fast flankers. Clichy had to contend with (Jesus) Navas as well but this young Frenchie is not easily fazed.

By the 27th minute Flamini had the midfield like he chokes the chicken, Adey was all over Escude and The Absolutely Fab Cesc sneaked in a Lampard-style goal - aye, it was a fortuitous deflection, off Escude past his keeper.

Throughout the rest of the game, Sevilla was gamely trying but were easily kept in check. Our second goal was from a set-piece (free-kick) and the third was a well-worked gem between Hleb, Cesc and Eduardo in practically the last minute of the game.

The final scoreline flatters us a bit as Sevilla was a classy bunch with good linking and runs but they tended to flag at the point of penetration, *cough.

Last words: Both the food and the footie were exceptionally good.

But really, really last words: ... Bye, Jose. It's been a lot of fun.



Left: Moana giving Roman a last hard pump.

A Cipanese World

Apparently some readers are confused about whether a cipan is a tenuk or a tapir ... or vice-versa ... hmm, better make that "or vice-versa-verso".


A rose by any other name smells just as sweet - but of course, not a cipan ... you think.

A tapir is wot the English call a cipan, or a tenuk.

I think it happened this way ...

Paul Bettany (Dr Stephen Maturin), having bid fare-thee-wells to his friend Russell Crowe (Captain Jack Aubrey) at the port of Penang two weeks ago, was trekking somewhere in the jungles of deepest Perak.

Suddenly his old Orang Asli guide signalled frantically for everyone to stop and shut their gobs up.

"Wot's he found, Hans?" he asked his Eurasian assistant and interpreter (Hans Isaac).

Hans went ahead and after a whispered conversation with the heavily mustachioed guide (A. Galak) came back.

"It's an animal you've not seen yet, Doctor. Come on!" he urged Bettany onwards.

Creeping up to the guide, they peered through the foliage.

"Oh my God, he's lovely! Wot is it?" the good doctor exclaimed.


"Syema, itu binatang apa?" inquired Hans.


"Oh, itu anak cipan, Tuan!" the guide replied, fighting the urge to stand at attention and saluting.

"It's called a cipan, Doc,"

"Wot? A cheap pun, eh? Hehehe ... " his giggles died away at the blank looks he saw.

"No, no, what I mean is we can't use names that Englishmen will make fun of back in Blighty, can we?" he explained.

Hans turned back to the guide.

"Ada nama lain tak untuk haiwan tu, Syema?"

"Di Pahang orang sana panggil tenuk, Tuan!"

"Ishh ... tenuk? Teruknya, tak glamer langsung."

"Orang Pahang memang tak glamer, Tuan!" the state-conscious guide replied.

Hans turned back to Paul.

"The other name is even worse, Doc" he informed. "But I've got an idea."

"Really? What is it?"

"Why not call it Erra?" Hans replied, not quite looking at Paul. Paul looked doubtful in return.

Hans turned to the guide.

"Apa kata kalau kita panggil dia Erra?"

"Tak per, Tuan. Bahasa dia kan?"

"Syema agrees, Doc" Hans informed.

"No, no. It's too pretty a name," he peered suspiciously at his assistant." Wot about that other name?"

"What other name?"

"Wot he said just now - tuck purr or something?"

"Oh, that means it's all right, Doc"

"Jolly good! We'll use that - it'll be my private joke. Let's see ... how do you spell that?"

"T-A-K space P-E-R, Doc"

"Tak per, takper, takeper, tar purr, tar pair, tapir! Tapir sounds right. All right then, we're done here."

And the whole party moved onwards to their destinies.


And that's how we missed out on a really glamorous name - what a relief.

After all, we are already illustrious in our own way - just see below ...

We featured in a seriously arty movie ...

... but we don't turn down spaghetti Westerns ...

... on TV, right back when it was still in black-and-white ...

... Cousin Sid the Sloth in The Ice Age.

Hey, we even have a stuffed-animal range!


... in addition to our very own road-sign. See here.

And the ladies just love to mother us ...

... among other, er, favours ...

... and you wonder why?

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Pics googled and credits included where possible.

TELENOVELA fans may want to take notice - Part 4 of A Winter's Tale has now been posted at my Manor. Enjoy ... :D

Gomenspeak

This morning we received a nice letter from the local water authority (who I shall call Babas, which is not their actual name but close enough).

It says that they are replacing our water meter with nice new orange ones because they think the old red ones are giving faulty readings.

They also very kindly informed us that it would take less than 15 minutes to do the replacement.

Hullo, I thought - did someone suspect us stealing water?

Then I started thinking, Hey! These are cousins of civil servants!

Everyone knows they say one thing and mean another. Right?

RIGHT!!!!

This was what I found out ...

1. Mine was not the only water meter being replaced. Everyone in the neighbourhood was affected and ...

2. The mains water supply had to be turned off to allow them to carry out the work.

Whoa!

Now, there are exactly 227 water meters in my neighbourhood and if it takes 15 mins to do one plus another 5 mins to walk to the next one, that means a whopping total of 75 hours to complete the job.

Ah ... of course they know one team can't do it by themselves. They must have sent enough teams to finish within the day, right?

Fat chance ...

I don't know exactly how many teams they sent to do this job but as at 9.30pm, a full 13 hours after they started, the main water supply has yet to be re-connected.

Obviously we were supposed to make do without the main water supply for the whole day.

And of course they know this. Surely they're not idiots there at their planning offices, right?

So why didn't they tell us that?

Is it against some Standing Order or something?

Or was it simply because there was no one there who could actually count?