3,064 votes nothing to sneeze at

From the TIMEly correspondent

Kapar : It is not the PWTC, the plush venue where members of the ruling party loll in comfort while viewing election results, but it was no less, er, plush at the HAWT-ktv in the depths of Kapar, Kelang.

This "entertainment" centre, little-known outside a discreet circle of regulars, had for the past fortnight been converted into an elections operations centre - to the immense glee of its employees.

Ms Puta Madre, the expatriate South American manager said, "I've never seen the girls so excited about work before. The Pundak people are pretty much a vibrant bunch."

Asked to elaborate, she coyly replied, "Well, faced with mounting challenges, they never seem to deflate." Obviously meaning every innuendo.

On Saturday night, while the whole nation rocked to the sweeping tide that knocked off stalwarts like Toll-booth Samy, HAWT-ktv partied all night long as local hero YB Wak Cipan racked up the highest number of votes ever in the (short) history of the party.

TIMEly has an exclusive interview:

TIMEly: To what do you attribute this success?

"Oh of course everyone worked hard and I had solid support from my family including my relatives - all 3,063 of them."

TIMEly: That was all family?

"Hey, it's not easy to control your family, innit? Look at the Big Fella - he can control or not his family? I had to use all the perayus at hand.

You know we had to order extra lube - er, I mean lotion! Yes, lotion. And also extra protection."

TIMEly: From the sun?

"Yes, yes - and also the daughters and mothers and aunties, of course. Protection for everyone. Play safe, we always say ... YB Tigershow was very efficient in this aspect (referrring to the Pundak candidate in Bukit Bintang)."

TIMEly: Oh, uh, never mind. What about these rumours about you replacing Pundak president YB Pazuzu?

"No, no, no such thing lah. Why should I? My father, God bless his soul, always told me that the highest position in any structure is the lightning-rod. I don't like kena lightning woh."

TIMEly: Fair enough - we're very much impressed with your performance, elections-wise, how do you do it?

"Oh well, that ah ...? I had this friend who introduced this special coffee, you see ... it's called Kopi Kucing Galak (trans. "Frisky Cat Coffee") ... yeah, all the way from Terengganu - works just like that - oh, you mean the elections ... well, I think the campaign song had a positive impact ..."

TIMEly: Campaign song?

"Yeah ... it's pretty catchy ... Undi Lah Cipan, Undi Lah Cipan ..."

TIMEly: Oh, Bob Marley?

"Yeah, yeah ... Bob Marley is always popular here. In fact I think we'd done better if we had a different campaign song for the whole party - that Kathrika anthem was pretty good but I personally think we would have done better if we had adopted the Menuju Pundak song."

TIMEly: Oh ... how does that go?

"Menuju PUNDAK, Gemilang cahaya
Mengukir cita seindah rasa
Menuju PUNDAK, impian di hati
Bersama janji kawan sejati
Pasti berjaya di Malaysia Fantastik ...o ...yeaaah ...

Thank you, thank you ..."

TIMEly: Oh, that's the AF song ...

"See? Even you would have loved it. But our local anthem did the job for us here - some guys were saying that we would have done better if it wasn't for some dirty tricks from our rivals but I don't -."

TIMEly: Dirty tricks?

"Well, ya lor - nearly at the last minute there was this whispering campaign designed to woo the women voters to the ruling party."

TIMEly: How did that go?

"Barang Naik, Isteri Sayang ... but I'm happy to say it didn't really take off here in Kapar"

TIMEly: How come?

"It just doesn't have the same effect when an elderly woman candidate whispers that in your ear, innit? Even the men will probably pucat (trans. - "blanch") "

TIMEly: What about from the opposition parties?

"Same also, dirty b*ggers. There's the gaji cukup bulan, raya tengok bulan, undi pangkah bulan campaign, that was tougher to counter."

TIMEly: So what did you do?

"We came up with Datang Bulan, Mana Boleh Pangkah - it wasn't the best but it did work."

TIMEly: Thank you, YB for such insights.

"No problem - you want short-time, ah? Mummy Puta ... tiga-minit satu!!!"

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