My F*-ing Life, Part 2

After a few years of working I was transferred away from KL. It was to a town somewhere on the East Coast.

It was a small town. It had 3 sets of traffic lights. And a lot of cows.

There were so many cows around that there were road signs specially for them. The signs say, "AWAS LEMBU". Being a KL-boy, I had never before seen these signs in my life.

You had to remember to drive carefully and not too fast. This was to make sure you can avoid running over what some of these cows leave behind after they cross the road.

You must also keep all your windows up at all times. This was in case someone else runs over those things just as they pass you.

Yet no matter how careful I was, my car required washing quite often. This was true with everyother car in town. Like I said, there were a lot of cows.

My colleagues said that I was transferred because I was the only single exec left in our section. They also said that our bosses did not want me to have too much fun in KL.

At that time I had a gorgeous girlfriend in KL who was older than me and she earned three times as much than I did. She liked to take me to hotel cafes after midnight.

She said she liked me because she says I'm intelligent. I liked her because she was intelligent too. The fact that she was also tall and pretty and had very long and shapely legs was just coincidence*.

*If you believe that, I have a nice car that I can sell to you at a very good price.

My girlfriend preferred to drive when we go out. She likes to make sure that both of my hands are free whenever I was in the car. She always wore short skirts when driving me around.

My new job was in a new factory and I had to train the new workers who were mostly locals. Some of them were previously fishermen or farmers. They were all good workers.

Our factory had a football team. The players were quite good. A few of them played for the District team. Better than the team I had in my London college. No Nigerian psycho, at least.

The manager entered the team in the local league. There was also a small stadium where all the league matches were played.

Our employers were very high profile (it was a small town), so the local people, especially the local women, looked at us like we were very glamorous. As a result, every team in the league hated us. Yes, we were like Chelsea.

Although we had good players in the team, we got thrashed 1-6 in the first game. The team immediately sacked the team manager who was also the factory's engineering supervisor.

The players then elected me the new manager.

Since I was also playing in the team, as manager I could choose whatever position I wanted to play in.

But managing the team took a lot of my free time. This means I did not have a lot of time left over to visit my girlfriend in KL. So I found out that there were also many positions that I couldn't play in after all.



In the meantime I was busy training my people at work and at playing football. You can say that my footie life improved at the expense of my sex life.

We got better results. We never got thrashed anymore. We didn't lose many matches either and when we did, it would be only by the odd goal.

It was not very difficult being the team manager. Most of the other league teams play only 4-3-3, they were not familiar with the other formations.

So to have a simple tactical edge over the rest, we changed our formations depending on who we played.

Against mid-table teams and below, we would play 4-4-2. I played at right-back and kicked the crap out of any left-wing b*stard that came near me.

And against top teams we would dominate the midfield with bodies, sometimes even playing 3-6-1 - where I would stick like a leech to their best playmaker and kick the crap out of him until he retaliates and gets a red card.

I was what we called a "futility" player - it was futile for opposing players to try play decent football around me. Or was it a "filthility" player, I can't remember so well now.

In other words, we had discovered "winning ugly" when Mourinho was still running around in diapers.

You may be wondering over the different personality I had during this time. My mom wondered too.

It's quite simple, really. In KL I had nookie for breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper and midnite snack. In fact I had so much nookie that I was about 10kg underweight most of the time.

Instead of that I had to make do with nasi dagang for breakfast, sarak and ikang singgang for lunch, nasi kerabu and daging cicah for dinner and maybe kerpok gentel (fondled keropok? It doesn't translate too well) for supper.

I was taking all that protein and there was no one to donate it to.

Therefore the sufferings of some of the local league players was because I had very little sex at that time. It was not a very good situation to be in.