The First Week ... The First Review

Where do you reckon would your most embarrassing moment (MEM) of your life rank in the global scale of such events?

There was one described in this letter in FHM magazine I read once.

This bloke, after a hot curry dinner the previous night, woke up early the next morning and decided on a bit of nookie with his squeeze.

Right in mid-bonk, the gates to his personal underworld clanged open.


Let's just say that the intimate boudoir was instantly transformed into a really cosy jamban kampung (outhouse).


The letter didn't say if the relationship survived this tragic moment of the First Fart, but the mattress itself certainly didn't.

Now, Jens Lehmann's MEM in our first game stank equally but in a different way.

Imagine, after months of training and pre-season workouts, you screw up your very first decision of the season in the very first minute of the game.

And then hearing 80,000 spectators gleefully letting you know what they think about it.

Still ... lucky we won.

We created good chances but didn't get our dicks wet until Toure made a kamikaze run and let himself get splattered in the box.

Pussie almost screwed up the pen but it glanced in under the bar and I collapsed in a heap of relief.

Earlier I got Lady C yammering about wot a fine example I was setting for the children by opining loudly about the ref - in French.

Then, right at the death, Fabs chipped a beauty to Hleb and the Belarussian acted as selfishly as he had promised.

With both Bendtner and Pussie screaming for the ball on either side, he chose to slam it in instead.






I think Mad Jens almost peed in his pants with relief.


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Four a.m. on Wednesday morning and I sprang up like a teenager's erection - wired almost to cardiac arrest with two pre-bedtime mugs of Ipoh White.

Got the TV on and there we were - grappling gloriously with the Spartans; minus the capes and sexy swimwear that we all saw in The 300.

Hardman Tomas Repka promised a crunching game, and I guess they used the movie DVD to pump up their team because they came out looking to inflict mayhem.

A few crunches later and Hleb squared up to Repka for the ref to break up the forehead-to-forehead dialogue.

But the Spartan captain was no Leonidas and forgot about Arsene's attack poodle.


Cesc "The Pizzaman" Fabregas took him out in a clinical hit that earned the Spaniard the yellow medal.

Pic: Cesc, caught on camera during his very first pizza hit during his apprenticeship in Barca.

Clichy was superb, especially when he made the interception, shimmied past another defender, then faked out the last man before squaring the ball beautifully to Fab for the first goal.


Gutsy Man of the Match goes to La Sagna, who although playing right-back received the ball from Lehmann's throw during a Sparta corner, then ran the length of the pitch before his killer pass for Hleb to screw the ball in.


Poor bloke was winded after that run but you know what? Those blonde locks are starting to look good on him. :D

Like Macca said, with hair like that, he should be a very good player.

And you're right, Macca.


Surprise of the Season so far: Alexandr Hleb - 2 goals in 2 games, both in the 90th minute.

Last season? He scored a grand total of three.