Neurally Neutral

I have to confess - I stayed up for both CL matches ... despite being a die-hard Gooner.

But you'll have to admit that with all the phbbbt-ing and wheeee-ing flying among the fans of the four clubs involved, there is a sore need for a cool neutral view of the CL semis just recently played.

Then again the view I'm going to put forth would be, while basically cool, might not be neutral enough.

Like I used to tell all the women who've had the misfortune of walking into my life - well ... I'm not much but I'm here.

The first semi - tell me, with the Shite playing Poo in this one, what would a neutral expect but a crappy game? *snigger

And true enough, the fare dished out at Anfield was distinctly boggy by CL standards.

Now, before I get my hubcaps stolen, I'd like to point out that Poo made the running and carved out decent chances in the game - mostly in the first half, less in the second and repeated the ratio during extra time.

Agger's goal was brilliant, a delightful shot of air freshener in a game that was distinctly whiffy.

Poo tried hard, no mistake about that but all in all it was like watching a guy with constipation trying very, very hard.

You wince and shake your head and end up empathising so much with the agony - that when you see the desired result get squeezed out at the very end, you cheer and whoop hysterically like the rest of them.

All the fault of the Shite, of course - the "best team" preferring to hold theirs in by crossing their legs for luck throughout the match.

So much so that their manager had to let it out for them in the post-match interviews.

Needless to say the ensuing pong gave new meaning to the term The Special One.

The second semis, thankfully, was a less laboured affair.

Manure had back problems and stuffed recuperating Vidic to stiffen it up but when the game got going, Kaka & Co simply tore it all up.

Milan were the equivalent of the cool, slick Italian playboy in dark shades going through the cherries of a gaggle of A-level tarts.

While Manure was the equivalent of the one that cried at first and then cried for more.

Cristina was diving and sobbing all night long; Rooney was pouting and waggling his butt all night while comics Brown, Vidic and Heinze were hamming it up at the back.

Carrick, O'Hare and Fletcher were nowhere in sight - swamped by the sweaty heaving bodies of Gattuso, Seedorf and the incomparable Kaka.

Two superbly taken goals in the first 45 minutes and I knew I needn't bother to stay up for the second half.

It's best summed up by an email to the Guardian at halftime.

"I thought AC Milan are to play Manure tonight but the TV is showing them playing Accrington Stanley instead. When is the CL match starting?"

A Scouser friend asked me to post up the following announcement:

To the fans of Manchester United and Chelsea - please be informed that the Champions League's 3rd and 4th place playoff will be held at Wembley on May 19th.

Ouch ...

Lastly a ditty posted at a deliriously happy Lily the Poo:

(To the tune of Grease)
We solve our problems, we played our best
We gotta plunge and think, we gotta get it right
There ain't no danger we can go too far
We start believing now, that’s why we are who we are

Greece is the word

To which I append a travel advisory for all CL travelling fans,

Grease is the word, or you'll hurt,
When it's your groove that he's plowing,
Grease up in time, in the place, slow the motion,
Greece is where they are ANAL!!!

They put pressure and they plunge away,
Conventionality - they don't know it anyway,
Where there's a chance they just will have it away,
You all be careful now, they're simply just that way.

Greek is their waaaayyyyy!!!